


Open Your Eyes

by Whis



Series: Evan Buckley Week 2020 [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck Centric, Eddie/Ana mentioned, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Healing, Hurt, Josh and Buck friendship, M/M, fixing, mentions of weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23311036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: When Buck realizes that Eddie is starting something new with someone else he decides he needs to distance himself.Luckily for him, Josh has his back.Formentera is all he needed, he hopes it's enough to heal his soul and move oneBut, does he really need to move on?
Relationships: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)/Ana, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Josh (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Male Character
Series: Evan Buckley Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673872
Comments: 23
Kudos: 463





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “Please don’t close your eyes!” + hurt

It happened in the blink of his eyes. One moment he was there and the next he wasn't, as if the ground has opened wide and devoured him. And that's exactly what happened, though it shouldn't. 

Buck found Eddie three stories bellow. It has been hard to get there, without stairs and with his heart beating too fast and too hard. 

The beating of his own heart was the only sound he could hear until Eddie opened his eyes. They were glassy and confused, Buck was sure he didn't recognize him, not even when Buck started talking while checking him. He spoke silly things to keep him awake because he could see he wouldn’t be able to answer anything serious. He had a concussion, that much was obvious, and his arm was in a weird angle, but his heart was steady and his breathing was regular. 

Sudden, Eddie started to close his eyes again, as if the stream of random words leaving Buck’s mouth weren’t enough to keep him awake -alive- and Buck begged because help was in the way but he wasn’t sure they would be there in time if Eddie closed his eyes and succumbed to the weakness.

"Don't close your eyes, please, Eddie, don’t close your eyes" 

The line became his mantra, he repeated again and again, even when Hen and Chim got there and pushed him away. But, for the first time since Buck knew Eddie, his best friend didn't do what he was requested to do. 

They could get Eddie out and in the hospital relatively fast. 

It wasn't life-threatening, Buck knew it, they all did, but the blonde was full of regret and guilt. 

Then Eddie was put in a hospital room, surrounded by machines and his squad -his family- and he still had his eyes closed. Buck begged Eddie to open his eyes, he did it silently, with gestures and thoughts and hoped that his feelings would work a miracle. Nothing happened, Eddie didn't wake up.

And then his girlfriend showed up, with her flowered dress and her flowered smell. She has taken Eddie's hand in her and whispered

"Open your eyes mi amor" and he did 

And Buck's heart shattered 

Buck should have known. It wasn't him, it had never been him, and now he was about to lose his family… only, it had never been his to begin with.

He naively thought he and Eddie would stay like that forever, in that kind of limbo they had been in since Shannon died and Ali left. It was bound to happen, it's just that Buck thought they would end in each other arms instead of someone else's 

"It sucks," Josh says a couple of days later, when they meet up to have a beer and talk about their things. They have been going out for a while now, they both needed friends, someone they could talk with without feeling regrets and worry about the consequences of their words

"I'm an idiot" Buck groaned. He felt so stupid all the time since he realized his dreams were just… well, that, dreams

"We all been there kiddo," Josh tells him with a sad smile, as if he knew, and Buck thinks he probably does better than most people he knows

"You mean everybody falls in love with their best friend and start co-parenting their kids until that above-named friend fall in love with their kid`s teacher and they all become a real family no like the one you stupidly believed you had" 

Josh laughs but shocks his head, it's no that Buck doesn't know what he is going to say, he just hated the being a cliché, even though he knew he was one

"I mean falling in love with your straight friend" 

Buck chuckles. Yes, they all have, some of them have done so more than one 

They fall in companionable silence, drinking their beer and watching the people in the bar. For a hot second there Buck thinks about picking someone up and just go back to be Buck 1.0, if only for a night. He doesn’t because he knows if he does for one night it will last longer than that.

It’s Josh the one who breaks the silence, and he does as if he just had an epiphany and had to share it

"You need to have a trip" 

"I don't do drugs" 

"No idiot, I mean taking a plane and going somewhere else, just to have fun. When was the last time you did that?" 

Buck doesn't remember. Most likely a life and a couple of versions of himself ago

"We are going to Formentera next week," Josh said with a finality that doesn’t leave room for discussion. Buck usually hates it when people talk to him like that, but for some reason, this time he stops to think about it. He has been in Spain a couple of times, and he has always seized the moment to get lost in Ibiza and its craziness, but he hasn’t been in Formentera, not really. Perhaps a day or two, but it’s all blurry because he wasn’t exactly sober at the moment. Every time he went to the island he felt in the cliche of sex, drugs, and trance. There is another side to the island, but he wasn’t interested in it.

"That's the one next to Ibiza, right? 

" Of course you know Ibiza… What do you say?"

Buck thinks about it. Eddie is already at home, Ana took him there, and he will be fine. And Buck needs to take a break, have some distance if something else to learn how to live outside the Diaz's circle 

Josh is just a friend, someone outside work and family he can talk with. He is fun and understanding and things with him are safe and simple, without lingering gazes and hidden feelings.

Buck accepts and when he calls Bobby to ask him for permission, the man seems delighted 

"You need it kid" Bobby has said, and Buck can hear all the things he doesn’t say

He ignores the jokes from Chim and Hen when he hears of his plans and the weird look in Eddie's face when he says he is going with Josh. 

He needs to leave so he doesn't believe Chim jokes mean he thinks he is an idiot and Eddie's clenched jaw means he has a chance 

  
  


Formentera is something else. Buck doesn't know a lot of places where you can swim in white beaches and then go to some with black rock coasts that rips your feet and make you feel like you are in another world 

He climbs rocky walls to get to hidden beaches where he falls asleep and wakes up with the stars so close he thinks he can touch them with his fingers. He goes to the market and buys silly things while a band sings reggae and Ska, and at night he goes to the plaza where people smoke some weed and sing along the random person who brought their guitar that day

He tries to remember his Spanish and tries to learn some words in Catalan. 

He is always naked at the beach, as most people do, and it gives him a feeling of freedom and wildness that he hasn't felt before. He doesn’t care about his scars being in the open to all the people to see. The sunburn his skin as the scar in his leg is a sharp contrast with the rest of his body. 

He can feel himself healing

And then he goes to the lighthouse at night. It's called The End of the World for a reason. It's pitch black, not even the stars and the moon can lighten up the place. The only sound he can hear is their ragged breaths and Buck can feel every single negative feeling and thought that were eating him leaving his body and been replaced for a sense of peace, at himself and his life. 

That night he goes with one of the friends they made there and fucks him for hours. They only stop to drink and smoke, and it's something that Buck 1.0 would have done but it's different. It's not a desperate search for love and intimacy, he doesn't want to feel something, anything because he feels dead inside. He is not in love with the guy, but it's fun and crazy, and he knows he won't get lost in a sea of bodies anytime soon. 

Everything flows in Formentera in a way that never does back at home. 

"És l'energia de l'illa" Pau says the next night

"No entenc" Buck says slowly and carefully. That was the first sentence he learned.  _ I don't understand _ it's useful when you are in another country and you don't understand the language. In this case, he gets the words, he is not entirely sure he gets the meaning 

"It’s the island energy” his lover translates “The island has a vibe, an energy. For some people, it's healing… like a battery… Et càrrega*

"Et carrega?" he repeats and hopes Pau can find the translation. Pau knows English, but not that much, and Buck knows Spanish but not that much, although Pau speaks in Catalan most of the time, and yet they communicate just fine. Pau can’t find the words, so he points to their phones, both of them are charging and Buck gets it. That is, that is the strange feeling he has been getting since he got to the island

"Estàs connectat a l'illa… You are connected to the island" 

Buck is not a mystical person, but it’s hard to deny the feelings he is getting since he got there, so he just nods and then kisses the other man.

'Conectat' he likes that word

  
  


Getting back it's weird. Josh and he feel it right away. There was buzzing feeling in Formentera that isn't there in LA, and it's weird how much they miss the feeling. 

Josh is tanned and he looks happy and relaxed. They met a ton of people in Formentera, made friends they'll forget and others will prevail. They are both buzzing with energy and hope when they land, and LA welcomes them with sun and chaos and they share a knowing look because they know they are both feeling the same

Buck gets back to his house and doesn't tell anyone he is back. For some reason, he wants to be alone, and it's not to sink into sadness and depression, it's because he wants to do things by himself and enjoy his own company, something he hardly ever wants to do. 

He reads and starts painting again, an old hobby of his that life made him quite. 

He doesn't connect his phone until the next morning. There are a few calls and lots of messages, most of them by Maddie and Eddie, so he calls his sister but ignores his friend. He is in a too happy place and doesn't want to duel on Eddie and all his feelings for him. They are still there, probably will be there forever, but at least now he knows he will survive and he will find a way to be happy, even if it is through stolen moments here and there. 

Pau sends him a meme in Catalan and he has to look up the meaning. He isn't in love but he can imagine another life where he would have been

Pau is handsome, fun and idealist. A social worker, a warrior who fights against the system to help vulnerable people. He is uncomplicated and free and Buck wishes he had met him before when that was all he ever wanted. 

Buck answers with another meme and smiles to himself when he gets a selfie. They talk for a while, and Buck is just happy he now knows people who don't care about bombs, pulmonary embolisms, tsunamis, and lawsuits 

He is trying to decide what to do for dinner when he hears the keys opening his door. He hopes is Maddie… Or Bobby, but he knows it is Eddie 

And just like that, the bubble explodes the moment that Eddie starts calling out his name

“Over here” he answers, somehow reluctant. For a second he thought about hiding, but it’s stupid, his flat is not that big, if he wasn’t painting in his room Eddie would have seen him the moment he opened the door

The way that Eddie’s eyes wide when he takes a look at Buck and the chaos surrounding him it’s quite funny, and the blonde has to fight the urge to laugh. He knows his room it’s a mess, he is a mess, but this is the most at peace he has felt since he rented the flat. Well, without counting the times that Eddie and Christopher were there, but he is trying very hard to stop thinking about it and finding other ways to be at peace like that. And this one is working, or rather, was working

“Didn’t know you paint” Eddie says with a small voice, and it’s weird to hear his usually overconfident best friend talking in that way

“Yeah, well, it had been a long time since I did” he answers with a shrug and a smile, hoping Eddie feels at easy once again in his presence. He doesn’t understand, Eddie had been weird since the moment he announced he was having a trip, and Buck just doesn’t get it, which is weird because he usually knows everything about his best friend. At some point, he was afraid that Eddie realized that his feelings for him went beyond a friendship

“You are… tanned” he says and cringes and Buck is just at lost, why is Eddie talking as if they couldn’t talk?

“Yeah, right, lot of beaches in Formentera”

“Right… Thought you would be… Red” which is fair, Buck thought the same, but he had gone through the red phase and acquired a nice reddish-tan tone that makes his eyes and lips pop out. His hair is lighter and he feels better than never, and he knows it reflects in the exterior. 

“I got a tattoo too,” he says to fill the silence and wonders if the next question would be about the weather. As in cue, Eddie asks

“ Nice. So the weather was good” and to that, Buck can only raise his eyebrow. What the hell is happening? Eddie cringes, as if finally he gets how weird and lame his words are “Sorry, I’m just…”

“What is this about Eddie?” he doesn’t ask, he demands an answer because he guesses he deserves that after Eddie barreled at his house and broke the peaceful moment he was having.

It takes Eddie a couple of beats to answer the question, and when he does, everything sounds like an accusation

“You didn’t answer my messages, didn’t call once while you were there”

“I was on vacation” he defends himself although it’s lame because he has called his sister and Bobby a couple of times and texted Hen and Chim… Well, he also texted Christopher and sent some selfies to Eddie but yeah, he was on vacation and trying to avoid Eddie and his friend is not an idiot, he knows

“You spoke to Bobby and texted Chim and Hen… Even Chris”

“I texted you” he lies, he knows a selfie with a caption of the place and time is not an actual text, no really, at least no by their standards

“You sent selfies”

“Via text”

“Buck!”

The blonde sighs. He knows Eddie deserves and explanation, he just needs to find a way to tell him without telling him

“I didn’t want to intrude”

Eddie looks genuinely confused, which is fair, Buck would be confused too, so he clarifies

“I mean, you are starting something with Ana, and I don’t want to get in the way, I mean, I’m pretty sure most women don’t want their boyfriend’s best friend expending a lot of time with their boyfriends”

Eddie looks aways with something akin to regret in his face, and Buck works really hard on ignoring that, he can’t allow himself to read too much into Eddie’s looks and reactions, it’s foolish and only leads him to hope for something that he will never get

And then Eddie says “we broke up” and just like that Buck is back to square one

“What,” he asks, hopes that he has heard wrongly because he knows that Eddie breaking up with the young teacher means nothing. Eddie is still very straight, and very much not in love with Buck, and Buck needs to remember all of that if he wants to have a happy life. He wants a partner, and kids, and a white picket fence, and he won’t get that with Eddie, he would only get to share his without being a real part of it, and he knows he deserves better

“We broke up” he repeats, and suddenly, his face does that thing he always does when he decides to do something against his better judgment “I realized Ana wasn’t the person I was in love with” 

Buck should have known there was something. He wonders who must be the girl. He can only hope it’s not Bosko. At least Ana was a good influence, perhaps too good as Eddie had become the poster boy for Catholics, but it’s better than street fighting.

“Oh you met someone?” he asks, trying to sound nonchalant and not jealous at all, he has the experience, a lot of experience, he has had to do so for the two and a half months that Eddie’s romance has lasted. However, his friend ignores the question to make one on his own

“And you?” he sounds nervous, and Buck is afraid of answering that. Suddenly he is afraid that Eddie's weirdness it’s because Buck has become kind of obvious about his attraction for men, and he knows how some straight men are very cool with queer people until the queer people are their best friends.

“Yeah, I met a guy, but nothing serious…”

“So you and Josh…”

“We are friends… Are you weirded out because I’m into guys too, because you have nothing to be afraid about…”

“I hope I do” Eddie interrupts him vehemently, taking a step towards him, and Buck is just so lost and hopeful at the same time. 

“You hope… What?” 

“I hope I have to worry… About your feelings… For me” he takes another step towards him, and they are so close now. Buck is overwhelmed by Eddie’s smell and presence. It surrounds him, trying to drag him back into a sense of hope and peace he is afraid of feeling, he won’t allow himself to feel. But it’s hard to deny it to himself, he wants to surrender to Eddie’s pull. He can’t

“Can you start from the beginning?” he asks. He doesn’t sound like himself when he finally speaks, his voice is throaty and small in a way that hasn’t been since he was a kid 

And then Eddie’s hand is on his neck, and Buck can’t possibly think of anything that is not Eddie

“I’m in love with you Buck, I’ve always had, but I was too afraid of my feelings for you. I tried to fight it, I was with Ana because I thought if I could fall in love with her then I would stop having all these feelings for you… And it worked for a while, but then you said you were going to Spain with Josh and... I just… I lost it Buck… Ana realized and well… I just, I couldn’t be with her… I don’t want to be with her, or anyone else, and I don’t want you to be with anyone else, and if you don’t want to, that is fine, but I need to know that I’ve done everything that I could possibly do to be with you, I can’t lose you just because of my cowardice… And perhaps I’m being selfish, and I hope this doesn’t fuck up our friendship or your relationship with Chris because that kid needs you…”

“Eddie” Buck shouts to stop Eddie’s rambling. He has to think because this… It’s all he ever wanted, he just can’t believe he is getting it. Perhaps it’s all the weed he smoked while in Formentera having a delayed effect on him, it has to be a dream or a hallucination, it can’t be real… 

And yet… It is. Eddie’s hand on his neck is burning his skin and he can feel his presence around him, like a real blanket keeping him at the moment

“You love me?” he needs to make sure, he has spent a vacation overseas doing everything in his hand to convince himself that Eddie didn’t love him in the same way Buck did, that his feelings were unrequited and he was an idiot for having hope.

“I do” Eddie murmurs and then his lips are on his

It’s not one of those kisses that shatter the world, but it does shatter Buck’s. It starts chaste, but it doesn’t last. It gets passionate and sloppy, all tooth, tongues, and desperation. 

It’s not perfect by any means, but it’s a start.

They break to catch their break. And Buck doesn’t want to open his eyes, he is afraid if he does he will break the moment. If this is another dream, he wants to stay in there

And then Eddie’s whispers in his mouth

“Open your eyes”

And Buck does

  
  
  



	2. Too Soon?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck opens his eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 4: “You want to marry me?” + love

When Buck opened his eyes, Eddie was still there. 

“Is this real?” he had to ask, just to make sure. 

Eddie kisses him again, and this time Buck tries to focus on everything that reminds him that yes, this is very real, and no, he is not having a psychotic episode

Eddie smells like coffee, aftershave and something that is just Eddie. 

His hands are calloused and rough but his touch is soft and warm under his shirt.

He groans and whimpers with need every time that Buck nibbles at his lower lip and fights for dominance as Buck always imagined he would

When they finally break apart, Eddie looks wrecked and fucked up, and Buck has never been more in love with him than at that moment

There is a silence surrounding them with their breath as the soundtrack, and Buck thinks it fits them to have something raw and simple as the music of their life

“Does this mean you love me too?” Eddie finally asks, and the uncertainty in his voice would have been amusing if Buck wasn’t feeling the same. 

He has pinned for him for so long that now he doesn’t know what to make with himself. He is getting what he always wanted, and yet he is having doubts because he convinced himself he couldn’t hope for it, that he would never get it.

Buck can only nod, too afraid of breaking the spell if he speaks or does anything that is not keeping Eddie in place

He hopes his best friend gets it, as Eddie always understand him even before he does

“Buck?” so he doesn’t, and Buck is faced with a choice. Brave the moment and open up or be a coward and keep the silence. 

Evan “Buck” Buckley might be a lot of things and not all them are good, but a coward is not one of them. 

“Yes I do…” he admits and waits… For the other shoe to drop, for the  _ “but” _ coming his way. The thing is that there is a part of himself feeling the excitement, the exhilaration. After a couple of weeks of marching at a slow rhythm, he feels the adrenaline pumping his vein land it's a sharp contrast and it's coming home. Slowly but surely, he accepts the hope, embraces it once Eddie smiles at him, open and loving, before crashing their lips once again. Perhaps he is allowed to have nice things, at least this one

They fall in his bed and make out for minutes, hours or an eternity. As cliché as it sounds, Buck forgets about time. 

It’s the same feeling he got on the island, when he was at the edge of the End of the World and there was only a calming darkness around him. 

They confess their love for each other again and again until they fall asleep.

When they wake up, Buck is afraid the new day will bring the doubts and the misery back. They haven’t done anything else and they need to talk, at least Buck thinks so, but how to start the conversation.

“You are thinking too much” Eddie whispers still half asleep but reading his mind easily. He is probably right, but contrary to what everybody believes, he is an overthinker, although he does all the thinking after the fact, which is not very smart but it makes his life interesting. 

“Sorry,” he says because he doesn’t want to bring all the shit to their bubble, although he is well aware that they should do it

“Don’t apologize, just tell me” Eddie is fully awake now and looking at him with that expression full of patient and fondness that he always reserves to Buck. This is the first time that Buck allows himself to see it and take it for what it is: pure love

“I’m just wondering… Shouldn’t we talk?” 

“About” Eddie looks amused, and Buck finds it weird, usually Eddie is the one worrying about all kind of things while Buck is the one ignoring things

“I don’t know, the typical” he hopes Eddie understand what he means and helps him, he isn’t the best at talking about his feelings. But then, Eddie is even worse than him, and he has the epiphany. He will probably be the one leading the conversations when they are about feelings. He has a moment of panic when he thinks they are screwed, but Eddie sense his nervousness and grabs his face, forcing him to look into his hazel eyes

“Explain,” he asks and Buck responds because there is no way he would deny Eddie anything

“I don’t know… What do you want?” Eddie shakes his head, laughing softly before he talks with too much glee for Buck tastes at the moment

“Isn’t it obvious…” 

“Right now, it is. I mean… What do you want for the future”

“Do you really need to ask” Eddie sounds surprised, as if Buck’s insecurities were something new. Though it’s unfair to expect him to see through the different masks that the blonde wears 

“Don’t you?” Buck asks because he can’t comprehend how is that Eddie sounds so sure of himself. Just some hours before he was small and fearful, just as Buck feels 

“I want everything with you Buck” he answers after a couple of too long beats

“Everything?”

“Yes, everything… I want to date you, go to sleep with you and wake up with you… I want everything… The kids, the house with the picket fence… Everything”

“You want all of that?” 

“Don’t you want that?” Eddie sounds insecure once again and Buck hates himself a little for putting all those fears in the brunette, so he hurries to respond, trying to pour all his feelings in his eyes, his voice and his hands touching Eddie’s face

“Yes, yes I do, I just didn’t think you wanted it too…”

Eddie answer with the sweetest kiss that Buck has ever received. He has never felt so loved as he feels at that moment, and he hopes it lasts forever. And judging by what Eddie said and the way he is looking and touching him, he hopes the same thing 

“So, you want to marry me?” he asks and he sounds so sure of himself that he can hardly believe it. From the moment that Eddie got into his house, Buck has battled against a lot of fears and insecurities, and it seems he is winning one fight at a time with every kiss and every touch that Eddie presents him

“Yes, I do. No right now… I mean, we should wait”

“Right, yes, of course”

Buck doesn’t feel like waiting. That isn’t him. But he knows it’s the smart thing to do and he doesn’t want to mess up this thing they are starting to build.

“Does a month or two sound good for you”

Buck laughs, that is a good joke and they laughs are good change, their conversation was starting to get too serious for a relationship that started a few hours ago.

But then he sees Eddie’s expression, the glint in his eyes, the set of his chin

“You are serious”

Eddie just shrugs and kisses him again. 

Buck wills himself to shut down his brain and focus on Eddie. 

The brunette is playing dirty with that distracting maneuver, but who cares? They have an eternity to figure things out


End file.
